Facts, truths, or fiction? The different kinds of writing on this blog
The writing on this blog currently falls into two broad categories: educational pieces and pieces that land somewhere between personal essay and poetic vignette inspired by my own experiences (and the occasional unrealized fantasy). There may also be purely fictional content in the future.
Please note that the narrative “I” in these blog posts is never the whole story about me, the person who is sitting in front of a computer, writing this. Yes, much of my writing is based on my actual life. Yes, I’m showing you aspects of myself and my life in my writing that I consider relevant to the stories I’m telling or the information I’m giving. However, striving for authenticity and integrity in my writing (see below for details) doesn’t mean I give up my right to choose what I share and what I keep out of the public eye. Just because I use this blog to share some intimate information, some insights into my sex and kink life, doesn’t mean I am obliged to share all of it. If you feel like I owe you something (and you’re not a marginalized person calling me out (or in) for harmful behavior on my part that is based in some privilege I have), please check whether the two of us have any kind of contract or personal agreement with each other. If we don’t, I don’t owe you anything until we make such a contract or agreement.
Where my knowledge comes from
The educational pieces (which are currently tagged show and tell) often are summaries of the information I have gathered and experiences I have made in the past 20+ years. I have read other people’s writing (in books, organization websites, personal blogs, and on various social media platforms), talked to other sex/kink practitioners and/or educators in person and via the internet (including at BDSM-themed meet-ups), taken workshops given by people from all over Europe (and the occasional presenter from overseas), and actively practiced BDSM for about ten non-consecutive years in that time period.
I unfortunately can’t accurately credit most of the original sources of my knowledge. I’ve been doing this for such a long time that I usually don’t remember where I’ve heard/read a specific piece of information for the first time. In addition to that, most in-person group teaching in my corner of the BDSM community (which is international but not very big) tends to be peer-based and fairly anonymous outside of the respective teaching event — and the community is very small to begin with. So even if I had all these names, I couldn’t share them here for privacy reasons. Therefore, this broad collective acknowledgement of everyone who has been a part of my learning process is all I can give here right now. Much gratitude to all of you.
That said, I try to add lots of links to other people’s writing where I can, because I like sharing sources of information and/or interesting perspectives. If I claim something to be an objective fact instead of a personal experience or opinion, especially when it doesn’t seem commonly known to me, I try to cite or link to at least one external source to back up that claim. I highly encourage you to do your own additional research as well since I will never know everything there is to know about a topic and may even simply be wrong or misinformed myself.
Consent, responsibility, and risk-awareness
I’m usually writing from a perspective of “risk-aware, consensual kink” (RACK) instead if the more widely known premise of “safe, sane, and consensual” (SSC). I assume that most activities that fall under the BDSM umbrella (or the sex umbrella, for that matter) come with a certain degree of risk, if only because accidents happen. I also assume that most people who have sex and/or do kink will (at least sometimes) knowingly take certain risks because they think the resulting pleasure will be worth it — or because they enjoy the thrill of the risk as such. And I strongly believe I can’t (and shouldn’t) decide for anyone but myself what risk and how much risk is “too much.” I can only make these decisions for myself and in communication with my partners. Therefore I believe in offering people as much information as I can, so they can estimate the risk that comes with a specific activity as accurately as possible, weigh it against their own circumstances and priorities, and then make an informed decision whether they want to take that risk (and if so, when, where, and with whom) or not (or not today, not in that place, or not with this person). People don’t have to make the same choices I would make for their choices to be equally valid as mine. And while everyone’s choices are valid, I cannot accept any responsibility or liability for any harm caused by anyone acting on any of the information I present in this blog. The risk is all yours. I also recommend getting your information (about kink in general and specific types of play in particular) from more than one source: In other words: Not just from your top/dominant. Not just from your bottom/submissive. Not just from that one workshop presenter. Not just from that one famous author. Not just from me.
The only rule for all sex and/or BDSM/kink that I consider universal and non-negotiable is that of consent. If you don’t have your partner’s ongoing consent, you’re definitely doing it wrong ethically, and you may also be committing a crime or three. How you establish that consent and how you check in and express that it’s still there while you do what you do with each other is your business, but you need to do all of these things, whether you’re a bottom, top, switch, submissive, dominant, little, caregiver, sissy, pet, slut, brat, owner, and/or identify with any other BDSM label — and also if you think of yourself as completely vanilla.
Most of these writings are based on things I actually did, things that actually happened (they’re currently tagged truths and consequences). These pieces are all true in the sense that they show how I have experienced these things when they occurred and/or how I view them looking back. All my feelings depicted here are true in the sense that this is how I remember feeling at the time or this is how I was feeling when I wrote the piece. Nothing I say about anyone else should be taken as anything but an excerpt of my view of them, then or now. So while these pieces represent my authentic, personal truth, they are not meant to be objective or impartial journalistic reports.
For now, I’m also counting any musings about things I’d like to do or speculations about how it might feel to do them in this category. It should usually be clear from the writing whether it’s more of a memory or more of a fantasy for the future.
How I try to protect other people’s privacy
To protect everyone’s privacy, I usually change or leave out details like when or where something happened, how the people involved looked, the exact words someone said, or which of the different pieces I write are about the same person. In some cases, I simply don’t fully remember the objective facts, and I can’t fact-check many of them without compromising my anonymity. I’m doing my best to still write in the way that feels most truthful to the experience and the emotional and/or intellectual impact it had on me.
I may also deliberately change the precise gender/sexuality terms people used for themselves when I interacted with them. For example, I might say “queer” instead of “polysexual,” or “non-binary” instead of “genderqueer”/”genderfluid” (or vice versa), or I may change a less common set of pronouns like “ze/hir/hir,” “e/em/er,” or their equivalents in other languages I speak to the more common “they/them/their” (or vice versa). I may also use a general “they” if the gender of the person I’m speaking about is not relevant to the story/information (e.g. “a friend and their roommate also were there”). However, I will not say “woman” instead of “non-female-identified butch” or “straight” instead of “bisexual in a male/female relationship” and I will not turn “xie” or “they” into “she” or “he.” Unless otherwise stated, it’s probably safe to assume that all “he”s in my personal stories are masculine-of-center non-binary people and/or trans men.
I may also omit the fact that people’s identities have changed after the time I’m writing about, unless that change is important for the story I’m telling. This is obviously a compromise between accurately representing other people’s identities as they’ve shared them with me and protecting everyone’s privacy.
Other types of writing
…and because there will apparently always pieces of me, pieces of writing by me, that don’t fit neatly into any of the available boxes, the home for them is the what genre even is this tag (because apparently the tag is as hard to name as the genre of these things). At least until I find a different box to put them into.
Should I ever post anything that is explicitly fiction, it will get its own tag (probably all in my head) and explanation paragraph on this page.
All content on this blog is © kinky & nerdy, unless otherwise noted.